Song playing: “Hen Xiang Ni” by Zhang Zhi Cheng.
“ni zai na li” (where are you) first line.
Where are u? I’ve been asking myself. I do not know. It’s been very long since the “accident” happened. I’ve tried moving on. But I kept reminiscing. About the past. Memories about the fateful day kept coming back to me.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I sent the wrong sms to shixian. Maybe… maybe…
About a few weeks just before her Chinese O level oral. She came over to my house. Then I asked her to practice, by reading aloud to me. I’m such a bastard. Knowing that she tried her best, I still kind of scolded her. Seeing that her eyes are red, I told myself, I shouldn’t be soft-hearted. So I continued to criticise her. I really felt like going over and give her a hug. Really.
It was a few months before her o levels, around July, I remembered. She was telling me that she did not do well in her English exams. And I know, that she was never really good in her English language. About that time, I had just started poly. Everything’s crashing down on me, project, deadlines, team mates problems, stress was piling up. And I think even before all these, the distance between xian and me was opening up. Due to work.
Afterall 6 months of holidays, I hardly seen her. But I still made it a point to contact her every night. At the very least, sent a good night msg, with a gd night kiss. But I know she needed something more than just a msg. she needs companionship. Silly me.
At around the same time, I discovered that my hearing abilities was declining. And the doctor told me, I’m running a risk of going deaf soon, due to some injury I had in the ear drum. Maybe I shouted too much during work, because the doctor say, even though shouting affects the throat, the ears also suffer as well.
Can you believe it?! I’M ACTUALLY GOING DEAF!!
Everything was in a bad shape and there was nothing I could do. School work is really tiring me out. Reality is setting in. I tried to hide my fatigue from her. But I guess it still showed.
I was more worried about her studies more than my school work. I’m afraid she cannot make it for her O levels. I’m afraid she couldn’t take the stress. I know we are drawing further and further apart. I know our relationship was putting a very big strain on her.
It was some day in July when I sent that fateful message, “I think you should concentrate more on your studies” then I sent the message. I didn’t bothered to elaborate much. But it was also this message that made her think I wanted to break-up.
I thought she could understand what I meant but she didn’t. Why couldn’t she understand me? Did she think that whatever we have went through for the past 2 years and a half years was for nothing?! Did she think I was toying her feelings? We’ve went through so many hardships, didn’t we? We even faced objections from our parents, but didn’t we all overcame it in the end? Why did she think that way? Why couldn’t she ask me? I didn’t say I wanted to break-up! I won’t! I’ve even made plans that once I’m out of the army, I would get a job. And when I can afford it, I’ll buy a house and we can get married! I’ve planned everything! I really wanted to spent the rest of my life with her!
Tears are welling up in my eyes now as I think about it.
Haha, what a joke! All it took was just a misunderstanding. She really thought that I’m giving up on our relationship. Maybe I cannot provide her with the security she wants. I don’t know. I really don’t. This is the lady whom I have been together with for so long, whom I thought I really knew, but I was wrong, totally. But I’ve never hated her. Because if she feels that leaving me is the best thing to do, I’d still wish the best for her. I really do.
Tomorrow is a Saturday. I wish I could see her again. I’ve written a testimonial for her, asking her to read this blog. I wonder if she will approve. I wonder if she will read this. Maybe it’s all crap to her.
My feelings for her has never changed and most likely it never will. I don’t want to pester her. I’m just voicing out my feelings. Sir Derrick also say I’m very direct in doing this, but I think I’m not. I’m just airing all thoughts and feelings.
The piece of tissue paper in front of me is wet thoroughly now and I don’t wish to continue this anymore…
张智成-很想你很想你
你在哪里?这些年来如意不如意?还快乐?还单纯?还美丽?时光如何对你?我在这里人海中的一座岛屿很平静风平浪静只除了深夜里回忆会疯狂来袭我很想你你知道吗如果可以就让我再见你美好微笑清澈眼睛好确定那持离只毁了我一个而已我很想你听见了吗? woo~这是唯一我无解的困境那些过去不肯过去不管我后来遇见多少人只能叹息都不是你我只想爱你我在哪里?你会不会偶尔好奇?有没有曾经怀疑?我说我会忘记只是种好意
posted by yang @ 8:54 AM
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