loner's heaven

Bad news, I just found that my typing skills are not that good as ever before, was it because I did too much pumping in a day already, my hands are shaking too.. nevertheless, I still got to finish about 2 assignments today. Which I am very glad about. I finish law and finance! Haha.. but did it like shit. Hope miss peter and mr. chin won’t scold me. Anyway, just came back. Then I received a bad news, my ah ma got stroke. Although it’s a minor one, I still feel quite worried.

Anyway, feel quite bad. Now then I realize how fragile life could be. Who will be the one beside me when I’m old? My wife? My kids? Or me alone? I don’t know. And I don’t want to think. I think I’ve lost the one who truly loves me and I truly loved. Things can’t get much worse without her. Seeing ken finally able to come to a conclusion after seeking help from so many people, I say, just go for it! Think of the consequences later. Love is selfish. Even though love is not everything, but at least it means something to everybody.

I miss Xian. About a few weeks ago, I lost my wallet when I was at the swimming complex. I almost went crazy. I almost overturned the whole complex just to find it. But I couldn’t. my friend couldn’t understand why I behaved like that. Of course he would never understand. It’s not the money inside that matters, neither is it the EZ-link card. But it’s a photo. A photo of me and xian. My only photo, only memory of whatever little that is left to remind me of us. I kept evey single piece of present she gave me. No longer using it again. Not because I don’t love her anymore. But because if I lose it, I will never get it back again. I admit I’m cheap. Why do I have to learn how to cherish her only when she’s gone? i still keep every single piece of letter or note, that she has written for me and put in my locker last time. I’ve never thrown away any piece. In fact I’ve kept all of them. I think she doesn’t know. Maybe she has long forgotten about me, maybe I’ve hurt her too deeply. Maybe… she has found her mr. right. And I should let go of her.

How I wish she could forgive me and give me another chance. Just once. Maybe we can never be together again. As I’m writing this, tears are welling up in my eyes, I don’t know why, but when I think of her, I feel sad. I really miss her and things will never be the same again, will it? I’m still hoping for her forgiveness.

Even after so long, I still could not forget her. I am weak. I’m tired. I feel restless.

I wished I could still…

Still be able to send her sms every night before I sleep. Telling her,

“Gd Nite, bao bei… I love u…”

posted by yang @ 3:45 AM