loner's heaven

If I don’t write this down, I’ll probably go crazy soon.. I thought my feeling for her is already dead. But when I heard from Brandon that Shixian has broken up with her bf, the fire of hope rekindled in me. Even though she has broken up, I still cannot forget her. It has been more than a year since we’ve broken up. The past year has been a torment. I’ve hurt another girl, Jolin. I thought I loved her. But I was a selfish bastard. I had unintentionally used her as a substitute for xian. I didn’t mean to hurt her. But I still did. My feelings for xian has never died. I still love her. In the past I did, now I still do. In the years to come, I will still love her. How I wished I could hug her in my arms and say it softly to her, “bao bei, I love you..”

It’s not that I don’t want to hold your hand, but holding the hand of the one I love with my sweaty palm is not what I want to do. The thought of growing old with you, walking with you along the beach when we’re old, holding each other’s hand and walk into the sunset.

It’s not that I don’t want to say I love you, but I feel that love should be shown, expressed and not said.

It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you, it is just that I can’t find the time. I have been striving to be the best, to get good results, to have a good career, for you. For our future, for our kids whom you promised to bear for me.

It might be too late for me to say this.

But saying it now beats saying nothing it at all.

‘xian, please forgive me’

posted by yang @ 1:46 AM