loner's heaven

How to make it on time to the office (if you’re an office worker)

Episode One – By train.

It’s the rush hour and everybody’s rushing to working. So to survive this crazy rat race, you’ve got to pick up the following survival skills;

Skill One:

Cut into the line why people are queuing up to zap their EZ-Link and act like you’re in a rush. Walk and then don’t turn back once you enter into the station.

Skill Two:

The train has already arrived in the station and you know you’re not going to make it. So to ensure that the rest are as late as you are; stand on the right side of the escalator and pretend to look for your Ipod in your bag. Don’t take it out until you reach the end of your escalator ride. Then pretend to have an expression to say “Aiya, damn it. I wished I had noticed the train and had not blocked your way” when the people behind you stare at you for blocking their way. Fake that apologetic face. Like how you looked when your teacher scolded you and then once you’re out of the class, you puncture his car tyres!

Skill Three:

Stand behind the yellow line or maybe even behind the crowd when the train is coming into the station. Once the door opens, rush in like a rugby player running for the finishing line. The people in front are the members of the opposing team. They’re going to slow you down. So you just push your way through.

Skill Four:

Unless you can find a seat, which is highly unlikely, if you notice there’s an empty space by the sides of the door, stand there! After all, no point moving in and then have difficulties trying to move out later, right? *Here’s a trick. Maybe there’re already people staring at you at this moment. But stand proud, soldier. You’re doing nothing wrong. You’re just trying to board the train!

Skill Five:

So now you’re on the train and on your way to the office. Well, I suppose it’s a boring journey there; so I suggest that you take out the papers and start reading. Remember the boss telling you that you should be reading more news to keep yourself updated? This is the chance! Open your papers widely on a crowded train. No embarrassment about that! Shame on those of them who’re not reading and sleeping away on the train! What a waste of time!

Skill Six:

Well, if you did not manage to get the “window seat” or rather “window standing position” ie. the sides of the entrance and very unfortunately, you’re in the middle of the train carriage, then you hear your destination station’s name being announced over the radio. “Outram Park Interchange”.

There’s no time to waste. It’s now or never. You know you only have about another 10 mins left to reach the office at harbourfront. If you miss this station, you’re going to be late. Shout. Yes, shout. “Skews me!! Skews Me!!!” (excuse me) If that guy in front is listening to his Ipod, tap him on the back and stare at him then “lip-talk” saying “EXCUSE ME!” without making a sound. Then he will move.

Oh shit! Only about 2 seconds left before the door closes. “Doors closing. Beep Beep Beep Beep!”

You manged to squeeze through the massive crowd in the train and alight; like how an auntie can push her shopping cart around freely amongst the masses in the market.

The North-East Line

Skill Seven:

There’s no time to waste. You walk faster and faster towards the North East Line. You know that there’s only about 2 minutes for you to walk there before the train arrives. 2 minutes is more than enough actually, even for an old grandma. But this is different. It’s 8.20am in the morning and there are more people in this tunnel then ants crawling in their holes. How to push your way through?

Put on a stern “I’m late for work. Don’t bump into me.” face. Then walk briskly. There is no need to run, because you can’t run far anyway. Even if someone bumps into you, don’t bother to look back. Turning back your head to stare at the person will make you lose those precious milliseconds when you need to run into the closing train doors. Don’t even silently curse the person in your heart. It’ll slow your steps. Walk. Just walk briskly.

Skill Eight:

Don’t take the escalator. There are bound to be some people standing on the right side of it, hogging the way. So don’t bother. Just take the steps. Burn more calories. Afterall, you’ve got the whole day to sit in the office and recover from your “morning exercise”.

Skill Nine:

You’re just about five steps away from the closing door. The light above the doors are flashing. You have about two and a half seconds. Make a dash for it. When you’re slightly closer, Jump! Leap forward. Be sure to tuck ur legs closer to your body and curl into a ball. You don’t want to have your legs trapped between the doors, do you?

Skill Ten:

Thump! You land on the train floor and the door closes about 2 millimeters behind you. Stand up gracely and raise both your hands into the air like a gymnast completing his round in a competition. If you’re lucky, the commuters inside might even clap and cheer for you.

Skill Eleven:

By this time you should be perspiring from all the action. Take out a piece of tissue paper and wipe off your sweat. You have about 5 minutes to rest. But make sure you stand in front of the door which will be directly facing the escalator when you alight at Harbourfront.

Skill Twelve:

Before you know it, the train stops and the door opens. Run, buddy! Run! Run for the escalator like the enemy of the state and having all the rest of the commuters hot on your heels. Be the first guy to tap your EZ-Link and get out of the station.

Skill Thirteen:

Don’t slack. By this time you have about four minutes left to reach the office. You make a right turn immediately after you tapped your EZ-Link card, without looking at the well-tanned babes standing by the sides, waiting for their friends to go to Sentosa. “What a waste!”, you tell yourself. But there’s no time to be distracted. You run and run.

Skill Fourteen:

You see nobody at the escalator leading up to harbourfront. “Great!” With the help of the escalator, you’re glad that you don’t have to run. You don’t save much of a time by walking up an escalator. But you know you’re going to save some bit of energy. The moment you hit the top; you make a mad rush for the escalator leading up to the second level at Harbourfront, before running towards the exit near Subway. You continue to run across the link bridge. Another escalator going downwards. There you are, HarbourFront Tower One!

Skill Fifteen:

But that’s not your destination! You must have learnt some “Qing Gong” from the Chinese Kung Fu movies, because you realise, you’re flying rather than running. Past HarbourFront Tower Two and finally, you reach Keppel Bay Tower. You heave a sigh of relieve. I’ve got one and a half minute left to 8.30am!

Skill Sixteen:

You pressed the lift button and the lift door opens. You scanned your access card and pressed the “17^th floor button”. The door was about to close when some idiots pressed on the lift button and the door opened once again. One minute and seven seconds left! Then there is this surge of people entering the lift. You’re hoping that you’ll see the receptionist again. But she didn’t appear. The people began scanning their cards and hitting almost all the buttons in there. It’s like someone had tripped and fall and accidentally hit all the buttons. The lift door finally closes. 59 seconds left.

Skill Seventeen:

Finally everyone gets out of the lift and you’re the last person to get out of the lift. You look at your watch and to your horror, find that you’re left with 5 seconds. Like a cop in Virtua Cop 3, you leapt out of the lift and flick your access card at the card reader, like Zoe Tay in “The Unbeatables”. “Beep!” the card was read. Access granted. “Thump!” you land on the floor.

Skill Eighteen:

You get up from the floor, picked up your access card and looked at your watch as you make your first step into the office. “8:29:59” was the time on your watch. “Good Morning!” you greeted as you walked past your colleagues from the other departments.

Then you tell yourself, “I’m such a wonderful person. Always on time.”

Another day survived.

posted by yang @ 7:36 PM