loner's heaven

**Dwelling mood**

If everything is meant to end somehow, then why start them all in the first place.....?

*20 min break*

Yes, I was thinking about my past. my present. my future.

by now you should have guessed. YES, I am talking about my love life.

in this life, there's only 3 woman I feel very sorry towards.



Lady #1.

My maternal grandmother.
just one day before she died, my mum wanted me to go and see her. for some f**king reasons, I went 'sot' on that day. I just refused to see her. I guess it's because I qurrelled with my mum and I was throwing some stinking tantrums.

Damn. My mum received a call the next day when I was playing with my toys. She cried. We took a taxi, rushed down to my uncle's shop at Teban Gardens in Jurong. Too late. By the time we reached, my grandmother was already lying on the floor. motionless. for some reason, I started to worry. I had this sick feeling that she's going to leave me. forever. I called out to her. but she no longer responded to me with that smile that she always had for me. "Ah ma!" I cried out. "Ah ma!" still no response.

the funeral was over in a few days. we stop grieving after a few months. but the wound is still raw. at the very mention of it, I felt like crying. every year when I visit my ah ma during the Qing Ming festival, tears would well up in my eyes when I offer joss sticks to her and I would secretly wiped the tears away.

Some things when done, can no longer be reversed. "I was only 5 years old." It was a lie I kept telling myself.



Woman #2.
Right. She's Shixian.

After so long, it's still so hard to forget her.

*10 min break*

It's too much for me to bear. I find that even keeping a blog to write my feelings can no longer express my guilt and regret for my life. Like I said, if everything has to come to an end, why start them all in the first place?

It really hurts so much.

Yes, I said that I want to forget her. But it's all lies. LIAR LIAR.

yes, I've told so much lies. in my life, in my work, in school, in st. john. everything.

I'm just getting what I deserve. it's my retribution. it's so hard to be a grown - up. it's so hard to be matured. it's so hard to maintain that gentleman image.

everything's so hard.

I remember reading one of Ken's older blog entries saying that I have matured alot.

Do you think I want to be matured? I am forced to be matured.

I think my way of thinking does not match a 19 year old. Instead, I think my mindset is working more like a MAN more than a BOY.

I have no choice. I HAD TO GROW UP. after all that I went thru'.

love, work, school, CCA, sex (almost).

life is too short to be wasted. I want to earn alot of money. Alot alot of money. i want to break away from my social status right now. I want to break away from the image of being a poor kid.

which is why I worked very hard. both in work and in my part - time job. I want to earn as much money as possible during the holidays. I want to earn my own keep. so I can spend the money the way i want. I do not have to worry about anything. because I'm spending MY own money.

a pair of Levi's Engineered jeans, $149.50. paid.

without batting an eyelid.

Nike sneakers, $89. paid.

no sweat.



if one day I become rich, I will pamper my kid. but not spoil them. if they want something really badly, they would have to work and earn money.

because I know how hard it is to earn money. I also know how it feels to come from a not-so-well-to-do family. I want to be F**king rich.




right, side-tracked for quite far off already.


woman #3:

Jolin.


for her, I don't want to talk much. I'm just guilt-ridden.

but seeing her with her boyfriend being so happy together, I think her boyfriend is able to give her happiness, while I can't.

I would only want to give her my blessings. wish they'll stay together.

I wish them happiness.


---Yang.

posted by yang @ 9:09 AM